even when you're so close to me

pete's writing always always always amazes me.

Sunday, December 03, 2006
a penny for your thoughts

im sensing some antidote in the way the world has been speaking to me.
but im all heart with these fingers stuck in my ears-
playing scenes from my childhood so loud that i cant hear whats happened to me.
you cant fly these wings, you cant sleep in this box with me.
somewhere theres a backroom for us to be swapping spit in. a ditch for me to be forgotten again.
"there are plenty of fish in the sea" quip pretty fisherman on boats in stocked lakes and fish farms.
do you think about me when you see the moon in the afternoon?
"shape up or ship out"
im nailed and boarded up in a box addressed to somewhere else.
of all gods jokes, i am the most cruel- i will make you forget your head
and your rules
and your friends
and your faith
we are bricks on gas pedals.
we are the ink on forged checks.
i will make you mine and then forget you.
my head is too crowded for the company.
can we go back to how it was?
before there was a world out the front door that got off on being down.
stockpiled good fortune and am ready to wait out the storm.
i want you in my after 12am veins.
lately it all just feels like looking up through ice in a frozen pond at red cheeked families skating, carefree.
to be honest, even though im nodding off in airport lounges-
id rather lay my head on a curb somewhere with you than any of the rest of it.
and the universe doesnt care about luck or headlines.
someone whispered "make yourself" in my ear once.
steal me away from all of this.
make yourself.

posted by xo @ 4:28 PM


Sunday, December 03, 2006
status

yesterday i fell backwards through a window- sure it was sugarglass and light wood.
still felt the nerves slip.
been sleeping 3 hour nights.
i love watching people sing and speak and write about the people and things that they love.
it makes me feel regular again.
gave up on love when i started seeing about it in gossip rags.
gave up on god when i realized one day my father was gonna die.
gave up on myself too many times to count- you could trade mistakes for sheep
and count me away forever at night.
thanks for never giving up on me.
even when you truly should have.
and most of our incoherrent thought is wasted on whether it will mean more to stay or to go. if we can get home before the light hits our bedroom.

posted by xo @ 2:52 AM

there isn't much i wouldn't do for him.

i love pete's blog entries.

Sunday, October 22, 2006
'baby dont worry about a thing cause every little thing is gonna be alright'

we played in front of 40,000 people today in a place we've never even been before.
this is a piece of our life, cut pure.
unadulterated.
you have made us what we are.
sometimes i get chills when i see patricks back in front of all of these singing mouths.
i cant put the words together to tell you what it means or how it feels.
like you are in the worlds biggest gang.
or slipping through the longest dream.
i got my shoes stolen in sao paulo.
they are the shittiest looking converse i ever had.
kind of funny.
"friends dont let friends get famous".
i know you dont really get me because i kind of write in a "or the user has trabelled outside of the service area" kind of way- but i dont really get me either.
fell asleep in the mirror the other day,
sick to death of comparing myself.
every word has already been written.
every government has been done.
every hairstyle has been tried.
but give me sometime, dont write me off yet.
im not always the person i want to be-
but you make me want to be him.
silly boy all this is ever gonna get you is carpal tunnel and bad eyesight-
but i wish i was the mirror reflecting you back so i could make your eyes look carefree.
sometimes i think i about that night that we madeout until our lips went numb.
the words are all over the place.
but you are lightning in a bottle.
i am in love with the accents in south america-
the streets are museums,
the culture is breathing- alive.
rolling 'r's is way cooler than rolling your eyes.
the way i think of you is billboard big, only i could never tell anyone.
last night i had a dream that we were breathing underwater.
our love will go down (in history).
i hope the keys keep clicking, the kids keep singing-
its all "if they could see us now"s versus "they'd be spinning in their grave"s
penned in on all sides.
lets split town.
its always "i dont care what anyone thinks" except everyone always does.
and "better in the long run" always means sleeping alone now.
stop trying to save me.
except if you ever did i dont know what id do with myself.
silly boy youre just dying to be tragic silly boy youre just dying to be tragic silly boy youre just dying to be tragic silly boy youre just dying to be tragic silly boy youre just dying
time for sleep.

posted by xo @ 8:29 PM

yeah. wow. i love him.

this is so not even fair.



i want a better scan of that. or a full-size poster for my wall. or both. preferably both.

i just...DAMN. *how* is pete even that hot? and that POSE. total pin-up/soft-core porn.

i...okay, i'm being shallow here, but seriously. fuck.

pete always talks about how he wants a "normal" life, right? i can't help but wonder if pete thinks (maybe subconsciously) that if he gets the house and the live-in girlfriend and the dog, all the (stereotypical) acoutrements of a "normal" life, that his life will magically become normal.

(oh sweetie. it doesn't work that way.)


then again, given that they're recording again, in la *again*, maybe he just wants a stabilizing influence. someone familiar to be there, to notice if he starts getting really fucked-up again.
no matter how much or how often he says he's "better", i have my doubts.


y'know, two people could be the nicest people in the world. but that doesn't necessarily translate to them having a healthy relationship.

and it kinda scares me how QUICKLY pete went from

im not a boomerang and youre not badnews. were just nothing at all. thanks for helping me figure it out. two lies in one sentence has to be a new record for you, so congratulations.

to 'hey! let's get a dog together and move to la together!'

(cynical me: who gets the dog when they break up again?)


sigh. i could sit here and psychoanalyze him all night. and i'm probably full of shit.

maybe.

because sometimes i need to be reminded of how intelligent and articulate pete is.

music snobs

Roy: Do you have a favorite Ramones song and why?
Pete: Kkk Took My Baby Away – just cos it's not I Wanna Be Sedated.
[...]
Pete: It's an artistic challenge to do that, but the thing that's even harder to master is what guys like Bono or Dylan do. And that's writing a narrative about one street in one small town that is as applicable to a 14-year-old girl as it is to a 60-year-old man. It's hard. That's what I aspire to – but I am far off.
[...]
Pete: I like to have all of my words picked apart in an intellectual manner but for the most part I would rather be remembered for the songs rather than our bone structure or who we're dating.
[...]
Roy: Bud and I were saying there are a lot of Kinks-like elements in your sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek view of life.
Pete: Patrick loves the Kinks – I just remember watching their live videos and seeing this thing that seemed a lot closer to the vanguard of a new movement than anything else.
[...]
Pete: It's interesting I put more weight in "Welcome To The Jungle" for relevancy and winds of change within rock – historically speaking – than "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
[...]
Pete: We pattern ourselves after U2 and Bob Marley – artists that have this amazing pop sensibility fused with some kind of intellectual agenda
[...]
Bud: What quality about Green Day do you admire?
Pete: I think that band went to the edge of losing it and came back stronger and better than anyone out there right now. It's the perfect story and the perfect band to have it happen to. I admire their drive above all – they have maintained their ideals and forced the mainstream to bend to them. I mean they recorded a rock opera!

absolutepunk.net

Q: Why do you feel bands like Fall Out Boy or My Chemical Romance have had success, but other bands like Midtown have not reached the same level (yet)?
A: I think to an extent with Fall Out Boy there is an intangible there that you can’t put your finger on. To me, it’s always been about how we interact with the kids. If I were to lump it in with My Chem, why did Thursday and Dashboard go to here and My Chem and Fall Out go to here? I think the press kind of labeled Dashboard and Thursday as the next Nirvana. That’s a lot of pressure and I think anyone would buckle under that. I think that’s one of the reasons Fall Out and My Chem were under the radar before we sold a certain amount of records. The other aspect is that both of our bands are a bit more theatrical and sexual on the stage. A lot of other bands didn’t allow so much wiggle room, and wanted to be portrayed in a certain way.
[...]
Q: Why was one of your least favorite tracks, "Champagne," put on the record instead of being left off as a b-side?
A: I guess it’s because our band is a compromise and some of us were really into it. I feel like the band and management talked Patrick and me out of it. They also kept on "Dark Alley" and I didn’t want that on the record either. Patrick and I would both agree that we wish "Music or the Misery" had been on the record. The reason why we didn’t put "Snitches" on the record is because when it was done I felt that it reminded me too much of My Chem and I didn’t want to throw it on and have people think we wrote a My Chem song.
[...]
Q: Do you believe that whatever allowed you to relate your lyrics to regular people was a product of living as a regular person? Now that you’re successful, will it be more difficult?
A: No, I think I don’t feel safe in my own skin whether it be sitting around in Wilmette, IL or sitting around in Hollywood. I’m that kind of person who probably has a bit too much anxiety and over works things in his head. I’ve never ever tried to write down to people. I’ve never sat there and been like, "We should write songs about lunch room and high school." I don’t think I could ever write like that. It’s always been kind of how my own head works and I think that I appreciate that people kind of relate to it. But at the same time, it boggles my mind, because I kind of think that everybody thinks that no one understands how they work, but the truth is, a lot of people do.

Q: Knowing the people and age group of your audience, does it ever stop you from writing about anything in particular?
A: I think one of my biggest problems is that there isn’t much of a filter over my mouth. I think people appreciate it because you get what I really think, but on the other hand I talk myself into corners all the time that I can’t write my way out of. I don’t worry about that much; I worry about getting stuck and only being able to write certain kind of songs. That’s why we have some love songs on the new record and I want to write from other areas. I think that, I guess I said it in another interview, in my head I’m always thinking about how I’m a disturbed genius, Ian Curtis or whatever, but I think in reality I’m closer to a messed up kid, Holden Caulfield. I think a lot of people go through that. There’s never a point where I think I shouldn’t write a song about strippers and coke, because there aren’t strippers and coke; so, I don’t need to filter it. It has been problematic recently, but if you sat there and unpacked the lyrics I think that I’m not a very likeable person.
[...]
Q: Do you really enjoy the songs you write? If you weren’t in the band, would you listen to the music?
A: You’re asking the wrong dude. I listen to a lot of bands we play with. I’m a big fan of My Chem and bands like that. I wouldn’t play in a band or type of music I didn’t like. I think it’s ridiculous to think that everybody in these bands listen to all the bands they sound like. We all have a very wide kind of appreciation of different kinds of music. Fall Out Boy never really changed. I think we’ve gotten a little bit better at our instruments; some of us, not all of us [Laughing]. I think that we never really changed and thought we had to make ourselves appealing or whatever. People want to have it both ways. The want to be able to say, "You guys never change, you fucking suck," and on the other side they want to say, "You guys fucking changed." It’s so weird, you can’t have it both ways. I do enjoy the music we play.

Q: Why did you quit playing hardcore music? Do you miss it? Is there ever a chance Fall Out Boy will write a hardcore album?
A: I don’t think there’s ever a chance Fall Out Boy will, but who ever really knows? But I say it’s a pretty safe bet we won’t ever write a hardcore record. I think the problem with so many bands is that they change things so much and kick out so many people and just want to hold on to the name, which I think is stupid. I think that the reason we stopped doing hardcore was because we got sick of the scene. It was cool when there was a voice and it was more about just music and mosh. That stuff is awesome, but I think we were bummed when we would go to shows and people would be like, "Mosh, you ***gots." That’s something your redneck uncle would say. Why would you want to go to a show that’s suppose to be this counterculture thing and put up with that? We got sick of it and started Fall Out Boy. There’s a lot of bands from this scene, or pop bands in general, who go on and go, "We’re going to spice up our music with hardcore parts." We do the opposite where we are hardcore kids writing pop music. That’s how we structure our songs and play. That’s probably why we don’t sound great live.

mtvnews

"I used to hear bands talk about this, and I used to think it's the most clichéd thing ever, but now I realize that it's not — and I really mean it when I say that if I don't get away for a bit, if I don't get some time off, then there's going to be an implosion," he says wearily. "I'm not going to try and kill myself or anything like that, but I just can't go at this rate. But I can't put my cell phone away, and I can't shut my brain off. I'm like a shark: I have to keep moving or else I'll drown."

This sounds really ominous, until he notes later that he's paraphrasing a line from the truly awful 1999 thriller "Eye of the Beholder" that was delivered by none other than Jason Priestley.

Wentz has always been one for dramatics. As a teenager, he took piano lessons and played soccer before he succumbed to his inner misanthrope and realized that he wanted to be in a punk band. He started fooling around on the guitar and gave himself a pen-and-India-ink tattoo. ("It's like the worst thing ever," he laughs, pointing to the tiny X on his right ankle. "Kids, do not do this.") He cut off his shoulder-length hair and transformed himself from a sweetly naïve suburban kid into a socially aware (and slightly goofy) straight-edge. He logged time in Chicago acts like xfirstbornx and 7 Angels of the Apocalypse, bringing the rage of suburbia to the big city.
[...]
"This is the one place in my entire life that doesn't change anymore. It's the only place I can call my own. Everything is exactly as it was when I was 14, and I think about this place all the time because I have this crazy Peter Pan complex going on," he laughs. "I feel emotionally sheltered, because at the end of the day, when things are going really wrong in my life, this is the only place I want to go. I want to talk to my mom or lie on my old bed. I mean, I'd like to try and move out of here, but I don't necessarily think that I should."
[...]
"I feel like there's part of me that in my head is like, 'This is the person you have to work it out with,' [because] I don't know if I can write any new songs if she's not a part of my life. And I think on some subconscious level I'm attracted to that turbulence in my head, which is why I keep going back to her," Wentz sighs. "But it's definitely like something that I consciously realize is bad and makes me extremely unhappy 50-60 percent of the time. Somewhere I just want to find someone that's going to love me forever no matter what; I want someone to show the inside of my head to. That thought keeps me going."

splendid

You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Pete Wentz: Redistribution of wealth -- dismantling what has become the state/media connection. I dunno, lots of stuff. Senators can't really do shit. Committees bar too much change and make it slow, so none of this would happen anyway.
[...]
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Pete Wentz: Hahaha. Jesus. Tell me how that's not gonna disrupt the spacetime continuum.

the georgia straight

By the time FOB finished touring for Take This to Your Grave, its fan base had mushroomed into a devoted cult. And that explains why Wentz had mixed feelings when last year's From Under the Cork Tree started to look like it would be something more than a tax write-off for Island Records. Before Fall Out Boy, the bassist did time in a string of Chicago hardcore bands. Most notable was Racetraitor, which eventually landed on the cover of punk bible Maximumrocknroll. Although Stump is more likely to sing the praises of Ornette Coleman than Articles of Faith, hardcore vets Wentz, Hurley, and Trohman haven't forgotten where they came from. (When the creators of Tony Hawk's American Wasteland asked FOB to contribute a Ramones song for the video game's soundtrack last year, the band instead demanded to do "Start Today" by obscure NYC hardcore act Gorilla Biscuits.) Still, Wentz admits he eventually got tired of screaming about how everyone sucks, especially whoever happens to be in the White House.

"It's interesting that hardcore in America can kind of be a microcosm of America in general," he offers. "When America slid right with Bush, I feel that hardcore—at least in the Chicago scene—did as well. It went from being really thought-provoking to bands getting on-stage and going, 'We don't want to talk about all that shit anymore. Now mosh, you faggots.' So it became something that I didn't love anymore."
[...]
"You end up in this position where all these people who threw footballs at your head while you were growing up, and who called you a fruit or a fag every four seconds, all of a sudden are coming out to your shows. They are singing every word and crowd surfing. Your first urge is like, 'Fuck you—you don't even get what's going on.' But what's maybe more important is reaching that kid who's throwing footballs at people's heads in high school right now. If you can reach out to that person and change them, they could end up on-stage a couple of years from now."

If Wentz has no interest in judging others, it's because he's not convinced he has a right to. And there's a good reason for that. Scratch a hypersensitive person and you'll find someone with a heightened sense of self-awareness. And one of the curses of self-awareness is that you know exactly who you are. A less psychobabble way of explaining things is this: when Wentz was younger he had something of an obsession with the video for Gun'N'Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle". In the clip, Axl Rose steps off a Midwest-to-L.A. bus looking like he just escaped an Indiana corn field. By the end of the video, he's transformed into a wild-eyed rock'n'roll terminator who, amazingly, manages to make poofed-out hair look cool. Wentz realizes that today, kids see him as Axl at the end of "Welcome to the Jungle". When he looks in the mirror, though, that's not who's looking back.

"It's interesting that any time you end up on that little box that is the TV, you become this larger-than-life figure," Wentz says. "But in the world of rock, we're pretty much dorks. When we go to the Grammys, we bring cameras with us because we're like, 'All right, we're going to see some real famous people.' I'm 26 and I still live with my parents. We're maybe Axl Rose when he pulls up and gets off the bus. We're never Axl Rose with the teased hair—the guy that he becomes later in the video. We're just not that cool."

he amazes me.

so! i finally downloaded "snitches and talkers get stitches and walkers." LOVE.

this may sound odd, but "snitches" remind me a lot of "austin, we have a problem." i think it's partially patrick's "stuttery" vocals. and both songs have this urgent, driving, jittery feel to them.

if the new album sounds like those two songs, i may orgasm throughout the entire thing.


i kind of want to squee about the making of, but i don't really have the energy. suffice to say that pete in lipgloss is *exceptionally* pretty.

also, i adore any and all pete/patrick interaction. gah. they're just - they make me want to write fic. fic in which patrick is not a lame emo woobie, like he's so often portrayed in fandom. (besides, if either of them was a lame emo woobie, it'd be pete.)

but really, they - i love the way they act around each other.


time for bed.

sometimes i just...god. FEEL for him. moreso than i do for any of my "friends".

from pete's livejournal, february 8, 2006 5:04am:

so you want the truth
been living just outside of okay for awhile now. but its changing. whatever story you heard about me is not true. im pretty sure im not gonna bring home a grammy tommorrow. but i will have lots of good pictures. how i am feeling about someone is always changing. except i am allowed to be happy inside my head right now. ive been scared of everything for far too long. i haven't let myself be alright. but ive done alot of thinking on the 12 hour flight here. i just like being around certain people. new friends make my heart flutter. old ones make me feel homesick. been going to grammy parties all week. yeah im that guy in the corner lurking hard. its kinda creepy. ive been training the last month for our video- however i think i may have sprained or fractured my foot in the last day. if this thing turns out the way it is supposed to- it will be the most epic thing fall out boy has ever done. i dont miss you but i do miss the idea of you. i went and looked at houses out in california again today- i want to get a dog and a backyard. maybe not just yet. but maybe. my clock is ticking on your pretty face. my dad got drunk tonight and talked shit to all of my friends. pretty amazing. i wish i had it on video. total release the bats two material. i want to do a tv show like the wonder years starring fall out boy. i don't think any networks would be too interested.
dont call it a comeback.

put pennies on my eyes when i die.

you are new moons and fresh sheets and the end of that one dream.

love the fancy kid.

yeah.


green day won a grammy for bobd!


my stomach hurts. sucky.


this song is awesome. i'm a sucker for handclaps.

ramble/squee about pete. because i feel awkward being THIS obsessive in my regular journal. (some of this will probably make it there, though.)


exercpts from this interview with pete:

I like the spotlight, but I only like it when I’m in control of and when I feel I’m out of control of it, I hate it so bad. [...] I have a Type A personality; I like to be in control.

um. i just *bet*. ::cough::. it's like a giant sign from the universe that i'm supposed to be writing pete/mikey with mikey in handcuffs and pete "in control." ;)

Me and Patrick are like each other’s hot and cold. When I’m on, he’s off and when he’s on I’m off. We fight all the time! It could be either me or him. I can be the big mouth and he can be really quiet but it flips around, it’s him usually but it comes back to me. Me and Patrick hang out all the time – it’s strange we’re like each others heterosexual soulmates!

except not so much with the hetero part. ;)

i bolded stuff that was originally unbolded.


i've been looking up stuff on arma angelus, because i'm obsessive. found soundclips at allmusic.com and music.yahoo.com. i think i might just have to buy their cd. (if i can get over the "what kind of obsessive freak AM i?" feeling.) i LIKE heavy music, and not enough people know that about me.

as i wrote last night:
you know what's weird?
listening to arma angelus and thinking, "hey, pretty good hardcore."
and then reminding yourself - those screamy/scary vocals? that's *pete*.
and not knowing whether to be amused or really fucking impressed.

mostly impressed. i think i'm kind of in love with pete's voice. a lot.


and if you were thinking that his depressed/emo state was a new phenomenon, i'm here to tell you that isn't the case. just read some of his arma angelus lyrics (which, by the way, are very obviously written by pete. his style is pretty distinctive or i'm just really obsessed.

exercpts from songs on "Where Sleeplessness Is Rest From Nightmares":

This masquerade becomes our flesh.
There is no happily ever after, in the end.
There is no cure.
I can't get you out of my head.
I sink and drown as fairy tales end.
We are the pale horse wrapped in flesh.
We are the pale horse, afflicted again and again.
--We Are The Pale Horse

I'm dying for anyone to understand.
One word will spark violence but all I want is comfort.
So I rest my belief in hate to become warm again.
By hatred, by belief, I will find rest.
--For The Expatriates Of Human Civilization

To the saviors who betray me with every breath,
who sell themselves at every turn as they sink beneath contempt.
They let her rot. I'd love to claw out your heart, to deny you the breath.
--Misanthrope

The last time we spoke she spit only warm blades and open bombs.
Now this ink is running through my veins,
so shut the fuck up and try to understand these words
no breath could ever hope to carry.
--Cold Pillows And Warm Blades

Nothing ever changes, but I still want no part in this.
Spite brings me such peace and suffering will save me.
I can't escape this world, but I will deny it.
And yet to these smiling husks I am just a fool,
but I can no longer find the warmth to forgive those
who bear such a likeness to smoldering ash that was once their will.
--I'm Every Broken Man

what i love about pete is how cheerful and uplifting his lyrics are. ::eyeroll::.


this boy is so beyond fucked-up. it just - i've said it before, but it amazes me he's still FUNCTIONING. and everything i learn about him - he's so complex, and so, just - anyone else would've become a little gibbering ball of nonsense by now. not to mention - i still agree w/what nic said, that he's an undiagnosed *something*. schizophrenic, quite possibly. 'cause simple depression or bi-polar doesn't result in the mood changes, and the wanting to be a hermit, and the not talking to his friends, and the od on sleeping meds, and the crazy-brilliant-incoherent writing, and yeah. (nic and i talked about the writing, too. the switching pov, and switching between different parts of a story, or switching stories entirely mid-thought. brilliant, yes. hard to follow, yes. definitely NOT something your everyday normal person could come up with.)

sometimes i feel guilty, thinking pete's schizophrenic or whatever. when i watch interviews where he's all happy and laughing, i think i'm reading too much into things, and he's just an everyday guy, smart but a little depressed, that's all.
but then i read some of his journal entries, or lyrics, or quotes from him or whatever, and i *know* he's not some average guy that can be fixed with prozac.

i'm going to sound like some obsessed fall out boy fan here, but pete's going to be important to our (my) generation. i can feel it.

my completely unrealistic wishlist, 2005 edition:

1. pete wentz in drag. i'll forgo everything else on this list if i could just see a freakin' picture of pete in drag. he'd be *such* a pretty girl.

2. bert mccracken and gerard way to admit their relationship was more-than-friends. and if they could at least start to get along again? that'd be fantastic.

3. to go to a concert with nic. preferably a mcr one this year.

4. jon stewart doing the daily show live from my living room.

5. matchbox twenty to make another album.

6. howie day to finally perform at a time/place i can go to. (my living room tomorrow night would be good.) also? he needs to stop getting arrested!

7. me to meet some of the people on my f-list.

8. to go to taste of chaos, to see thrice and thursday.

9. the album green day's about to start working on to be just as good, if not better, than american idiot.

10. joey harrington to get a super bowl ring with the lions. or at least stay with them for a few more years.

11. linkin park's new album to be their most successful yet. and for me to love it just as much.

12. me to finish writing something longer than a drabble.

i love pete. a lot. i want to pet him.
(and i've watched the daily download interview WAY too many times now.)

damn adorable slashy emo punk boys.

new pictures:



SO pretty. pretty in a more unconvential way, sure, but still damn pretty.



ohgod. evil sexy fucked-up GUH. meep.

(you KNOW he does that on purpose. he can't be *that* unaware.)